


Secrets of the Heart

by WendelinTheWriter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, HEAR ME OUT I JUST WANT A FIC WITH A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND A NOT CREEPY AGE GAP, Quick Burn, hufflepuffs getting along with slytherins what's new
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-17 20:45:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15469713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WendelinTheWriter/pseuds/WendelinTheWriter
Summary: Tonks is determined to figure out her former professor's true loyalties, but things don't go as planned.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway I had this idea while working on the other fics I had (I mean, I like the idea of Snanger but like... It's kinda creepy) and I'm procrastinating finishing them so uh... Here we are. 
> 
> For the purposes of this fic, let's pretend canon Snape isn't a terribly abusive teacher, but a rather strict, no non-sense one instead.

One of the first things Nymphadora Tonks did while entering the new headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix was to trip of the troll leg and enter a face-first collision route to the floor.

If a hand had not caught her arm and steadied her.

She was about to thank her savior, when he said:

“Ah, Miss Nymphadora Tonks. Congratulations on finishing your Auror training. I was worried either or not you were going to survive it.”

He was insulting her, of course. For one, he never called students or even people by their first names, except in rare occasions. The last time they had been in each other’s presence was in Hogwarts, several years ago.

Even then, he would always call her Miss _Nymphadora_ Tonks, because she committed the grave mistake of mentioning her hatred for her first name in his class, during her first year.

Tonks yanked her arm free from Snape’s grasp.

“It’s just Tonks, Snape. Survived well enough to be top of my class.”

“It is always pleasant to see my students thriving.” he replied smoothly.

 “I myself am surprised that you find anything at all _pleasant_.” she replied, mimicking his stiff tone and formal speech.

“It’s quite a long list. But I suppose we have no time to run through it. We have somewhere else to be, don’t we?”

“Ugh. Right.”

Tonks turned on her heels to march to the dining room with Snape on her track, which was a bit unnerving. She did manage to get good grades in Potions — otherwise, she wouldn’t have been accepted by the Ministry — however it was result of great effort. Snape was a strict, exigent teacher. Certainly not the type to make things easier for anyone.

The dining room was packed and there was no place to sit. Chatter filled the room. People of the Order were friends with each other or at least friendly. Well, except for Snape.

He didn’t wait to realize there was no place to sit to comfortably lean against the farthest wall, arms crossed on his chest, looking at some empty space, waiting for Dumbledore to start talking.

Seeing no other option that wasn’t obviously rude to Snape, she went to lean on the wall beside him. He was rude; she didn’t have to be as well.

“So how have you been all these years?” Tonks said. “Made a lot of students cry recently?”

Fine. She could be a little rude.

He deserved it.

There was a moment of silence. She almost thought he was going to ignore her, when he said:

“Not enough to lift my spirits.”

Tonks had to snort a laugh at that, which she hid with her hand. They spoke no further until Dumbledore stood to address a few pressing matters that had to do with everyone. Snape left before the meeting was over.

People wouldn’t want him listening in, either; they were suspicious that he was a Death Eater who had managed to pull the wool in front of Dumbledore’s eyes. Tonks didn’t know where she stood on the issue: she didn’t think Voldemort would choose someone that obvious to be a spy on the Order.

On the other hand…

What was Snape doing in the Order anyway? He didn’t seem to care about anyone or anything enough to put himself on the line like that. Being a Slytherin, surely his circle of acquaintances — or even friends, if he had those — included Death Eaters and pureblood supremacists. That could be why Dumbledore wanted him in the Order; that didn’t explain why _he_ would want to join.

That question hammered at her thoughts during dinner and she ate in silence while everyone else chattered away, their hopes renewed of seeing an end to Voldemort now that the Order of the Phoenix was alive again and had its own headquarters.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” said Sirius, sitting beside her.

“You will regret saying this, you know? People tend to ask me to shut up.”

Sirius smiled at her and took a sip of his wine.

“You just look like you’re worried.”

“Well, I _am_ worried. Things aren’t exactly looking up if a bunch of people have to meet in secret like this.”

“That’s one way to look at it, for sure.”

Tonks pressed her lips together and played with her food before saying, in a whisper:

“Do you think Snape is a Death Eater?”

“Why you ask? Did he say anything to you?”

“No, not really. I was just… Wondering.” Tonks replied.

“Well, he’s…”

Sirius looked around them. Even though no one was paying and their conversation would probably be drowned by the chatter, he gestured for them to go a more private place, outside of the dining room. Tonks took one last bite and followed him with her goblet of pumpkin juice at hand.

It was a dusty study. There were signs of cleaning here and there, not much though.

“So?”

“I think he is. I’m certain he is. I mean, he was a quiet kid in Hogwarts.”

“You studied together?” Tonks exclaimed.

She knew Sirius’ age only because of his status as an Azkaban prisoner — even though they were family —, but she had no idea how old Snape was. Now that she thought about it, he couldn’t be that old. He wasn’t even going bald, or grey, or had that many wrinkles.

“And we didn’t like each other, either, but that’s besides the point. The point is that… Hear me out… He had a friend.”

Tonks drew in a sharp gasp.

“He had a _friend_?”

That made Sirius howl in laughter.

“Yes, he had a friend. And she was a muggleborn.”

“Really? Who is she? Is she in the Order? Do they still speak to each other?”

Sirius’ laughter died, and his expression turned somber.

“She’s seven feet under. The friend I am talking about is Lily, Harry’s mother. They were inseparable in Hogwarts, believe it or not.” he said. “Until he called her a mudblood, a filthy mudblood, that is. In front of everyone, while she was just trying to help him out of a tight spot.”

“Oh no… Really?”

“Yes! And Dumbledore let him in the Order anyway! He’s not good news, Tonks.”

Tonks bit her lip. Sirius’ charisma swayed her, however how long it had been since Snape attended Hogwarts? Calling a dear friend a mudblood was suspicious indeed: Dumbledore wouldn’t trust Snape so entirely if not for a good reason.

For a _very_ good reason.

Perhaps he regretted it?

 “And how long ago was that?” she asked. “Would you want the things you did as a teenager to be held against you?”

Sirius averted his gaze.

“You have a point. Regardless, I just think he’s playing Dumbledore for a fool. Say, you’re an Auror, right? Can’t you try to investigate and see what you can find on that git?”

The Potters were dead partially because they, alongside Sirius, decided to not follow Dumbledore’s advice and swapped the Secret Keepers. Underestimating Dumbledore seemed to be a theme with Sirius.

Though there was something suspicious about Snape. He had to be participating in the Order for a reason.

“It doesn’t work like that, though.” Tonks said. “It’s not like I can pull a record.”

Sirius nodded.

“Well, keep your eyes peeled anyway. I would hate to see the Order crumble because of him.” he said, lastly, before leaving Tonks alone in the study.


	2. Chapter 2

Tonks did pull out a record, in the end. A phonebook.

It wasn’t easy to get any records. The Wizengamot trials’ files for the First War were tightly secured — possibly because many of the names there were of wealthy and influencing people. If Snape was a Death Eater, then his name had to be on trials. He couldn’t have joined after the First War.

Then again, if his name was on the files, how did he manage to escape Azkaban, being, apparently a poor half-blood?

His name was on the phonebook because his house had a landline, and his house had a landline because it was on a muggle neighborhood. It had electricity and water, hence he had bills, hence he had a phone.

Tonks felt extremely smart for figuring that one out for herself. It was a bit of luck and extra information from Sirius, in fact. Lily had mentioned she met Snape because they lived close by when they were young. Tonks didn’t think he would have remained living in the same spot for all his life, but…

There it was.

Spinner’s End.

A very, very sketchy neighborhood.

Tonks had assumed the appearance of an overworked middle-aged man to prance around without being noticed and harassed. She walked around the perimeter of the house to get familiar with her surroundings, and only then she walked past Snape’s address.

The lights were on.

It was a Saturday evening. Should she stake out and wait until he left? If he had anything incriminatory, then definitely he would have wards in place to avoid people getting inside, uninvited and unnoticed.

Perhaps she could wait, test that out, and see what to do then.

Maybe his wards were breakable. He was a powerful wizard, no doubt, but no one could be that good at everything.

Well, it _was_ a Saturday evening. She had nothing better to do.

Besides, there was a place she wanted to check out. The place Lily Potter used to live. It was a bit of a hike from Spinner’s End, though she had time to kill. Walking through those streets felt like a breach on Snape’s privacy. She was seeing what he saw growing up, walking through the same places.

The Evans’ house didn’t exist anymore. A new house had been built in its place, because it had burned down, with the Evans inside. The firemen arrived too late to save them, said the official report.

Tonks had done extensive research, out of pure fascination with Lily Potter’s life. So she lived around here, met Snape and befriended him. She probably went to school — did _he_ go to school? 

How was Snape when he was younger? Already that much of a grouch?

She shuddered, changed her appearance to a different overworked middle-aged person and walked back to Spinner’s End. The lights were off, then. Did he leave, or did he go to sleep? A bit early for sleeping…

Looking both ways — the street was empty — she approached the front door and pulled out her wand, ready to find many complicated wards.

It was not the case.

Not much later, she would hear a soft click of the door unlocking.

Weird.

Or maybe not.

Maybe he kept his house clear of anything incriminatory, because that would be the first place to look for something. Too bad sneaking into Hogwarts wasn’t an option…

First things first, Tonks searched around to see if he was inside. She didn’t find the stairs for the second story, which was weird. There were no bedrooms on the first floor. Where did he sleep? In a crypt, underground?

For a house that was stacked to the brim with books, it was quite dustless. Perhaps Mrs. Weasley should have called Snape to help and clean the Grimmauld Place, not Tonks whose dishes stayed in the sink for days, even though she could use magic to wash them.

Or was there a Mrs. Snape, cleaning things around?

He didn’t wear a wedding ring, but none of the Hogwarts’ professors did, even if they were married. The thought of a Mrs. Snape amused Tonks, because that meant Snape had fallen in love and pursued a woman. Impossible to imagine him flirting or smitten.

Or someone smitten enough with him to make the first step.

Then again, what did she know of Snape? She would never guess he lived within a muggle neighborhood. It could be that Mrs. Snape was muggle, and that was why he joined the Order.

Things were going well. Tonks was about to leave — she was pressing her luck, later she could come and find the stairs to the second floor — when she stubbed her toe on the couch.

Her boots were lightweight as to not make any noise, so she definitely felt it.

“Ouch!”

Then she heard rummaging upstairs, a door opening and closing.

Time to flee. She ran out of the door and bolted away for her life, not looking back. She turned into an alley and apparated back to her place.

He wouldn’t know it was _her_ , but he definitely would know someone broke into his house.

Not wanting to stay alone with her thoughts, she changed and decided to pop in to Grimmauld Place, to see if Mrs. Weasley needed any help, and if she would have food to spare for another mouth.

Snape was already there when she arrived, talking to Mr. Weasley, who seemed frightened.

“What happened?” Tonks asked, knowing full-well what would the answer be.

“Someone broke into Snape’s house.”

“It couldn’t be a muggle. I decided to come by and warn the Order of the Phoenix’s members in case something similar happens to them.”

He was trying to sound removed, still Tonks could see he was a bit spooked by the incident. A pang of guilt stirred her loins and she bit her lip.

“Are you alright?” she asked, motherly as a hen. “You weren’t hurt or anything, right? Did you see anything of the trespasser?”

“It was a man. I didn’t see anything else. He ran and apparated before I could even get close.”

Phew.

“And how did he get in?”

“Bypassing my wards.”

“Do you want me to go check it out?” Tonks asked. “I could set up a few extra wards to make sure.”

“I’m not certain—”

“Mad-Eye Moody trained me, Snape, in case you’ve forgotten. It doesn’t get more paranoid than that. Mr. Weasley, I think it’s best if you head home with someone and reinforce your wards.”

Tonks was feeling guilty about the dimension things were taking more than anything. She shouldn’t have been talked into that mess by Sirius. Especially because Snape’s first thought was to come to the Order and warn them. Moreover, he did seem disturbed by the incident.

“Snape, you should take Tonks’ help.” Mr. Weasley said, also noticing Snape’s disturbance. “She is a certified Auror, after all. Mad-Eye Moody speaks very highly of her. Like you said, Dumbledore is nowhere to be found and we don’t know when he will get back.”

Snape scowled.

“If I must…”

“Yes, you must. So shall we? While you left your house alone, the person could have returned.”

Tonks was trying to treat the incident seriously. She knew it had not been a big deal — because it had been her —, but now she realized how serious it could seem from the outside.

Snape took the lead outside, and, in fact, opened the door for Tonks to leave first. Then he held her arm and apparated away with her in tow. They showed up in the same alley Tonks used to flee.

“He must have apparated here. I tried to search for anything he might have left behind, and I found nothing.”

Knowing, or better, hoping, she would find nothing as well, she looked around slightly, illuminating the path with her wand, before having to jog to keep up with Snape, who was already on his street.

“So it’s a muggle neighborhood.” Tonks observed, putting away her wand.

“Your observations skills astound me.”

“I’m surprised, that is all. If I were to guess, I’d say you live in a cottage with no humanity within fifteen miles.”

Snape groaned.

“I wish.”

Once more, he opened the door for her. Tonks walked inside with her wand raised and pretended to look around for foes before lowering it. Snape had closed the door behind himself and was standing, uncomfortable, in his living room.

He probably wouldn’t have guessed a student of his would end up in his house.

“Did anything get stolen?”

“No. There’s nothing to look. If you would please cast the wards you know to my doors and windows, that would be perfect.” he said, almost through gritted teeth.

“Of course.”

Fuck.

Tonks put on the strongest wards she knew of — which, modesty aside, were pretty damn strong. In the meantime, Snape had sat down on the couch and poured himself a goblet of wine. When he thought Tonks wasn’t watching, he looked way more disturbed.

She shouldn’t have looked through his house…

“Do you live with anyone?” she asked. “Wife? Relatives?”

His face stirred ever so slightly at the mention of a wife.

Divorced?

“I live by myself.”

“You should crash at Hogwarts, then. It should be safe to sleep here, but I don’t think I could, if I were you. Look, I sleep alone too, and there are fifteen muggle locks on my door, _besides_ the wards, _besides_ my wand, _besides_ the bat I keep under the bed just because. And the mace.”

Snape rose an eyebrow.

“Mad-Eye trained me. Need I say more?” Tonks said.

He sighed in response, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Would you like some wine?”


	3. Chapter 3

Severus didn’t think he could handle being a double agent a second time around. Not when the Dark Lord had serious reasons to suspect him — and, as it seemed, he did suspect. Dumbledore had saved Severus’ face at Wizengamot. He spent the past decade living comfortably as a Hogwarts’ teacher.

Since resurfacing and then, he could have acquired new Death Eaters, unknown Death Eaters. Death Eaters with a clean slate.

Maybe Severus was finally going to break. A symptom of that was that he was pouring wine for Tonks, who was sitting at his couch, eyeing the stacks of books on the walls.

“You said you didn’t see anything of the intruder.” Tonks said, and took a sip. “But do you suspect of anyone? I mean, besides the obvious. You-Know-Who didn’t come here in person.”

The intrusion had been frightening; deep down Severus knew he was enjoying the attention.

“I’m not sure. He could have made new Death Eaters since his return. There could be Death Eaters who were not caught by the Ministry last time. I don’t think this person will get caught unless they do it again and slip up.” he said. “They did slip already. I wouldn’t have noticed if they hadn’t stubbed into something in this room.”

That was the longest string of words he spoke to anyone in the past decade.

Tonks nodded in response.

“Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again, though.”

“You said you lived alone.” Severus said.

“I do.”

“Shouldn’t you be worrying about yourself?”

“Me?” Tonks laughed. “I’ll just crash on my parents’ tonight, steal their food and put a knife underneath my pillow. I’ll be fine. I mean, you probably will be fine, too. I’m worrying moreso because I didn’t think I’d live to see you spooked about anything.”

Yes, Severus was scared. He always knew being a double agent would be the death of him, though he spent decades living a peaceful life, more or less. He was unused to that truth, and he was less welcoming of it, too.

In the height of the First Wizardry War, he would gladly jump in front of a Killing Curse.

Now…

He might hesitate enough to miss it.

“You were not my favorite teacher.” Tonks added with another laugh, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Though if there’s anything I could do to help, I will. You’re a member of the Order of the Phoenix. We have to look out for each other. Have each other’s back.”

Severus bit the inner corner of his cheek.

“I suppose I will have to follow your advice and sleep at Hogwarts tonight.”

What he was most afraid of was to be put under the Imperius Curse. He didn’t think the Dark Lord would go looking for his address, now that he did…

Tonks offered a smile and squeezed his arm slightly. Severus frowned at it, in surprise, and she removed her hand.

“Sorry.” she mumbled, apologetically, and then tipped over her goblet. “I guess I should be going before I further indispose you with my presence, or whatever.”

“I will walk you out. I’m leaving as well.”

Severus did the same with his goblet and then took the lead to open the door for Tonks. He didn’t want to be alone in his home. He didn’t actually want to be anywhere except maybe seven feet under, however for the time being, he preferred places where he didn’t run the risk of being harmed or being put under control.

He accompanied Tonks in silence to the nearest alley.

“So, hm… Good night.” she said. “Take care. Try to sleep, if you can, alright? You know where I will be if you need… Hm… Anything. I don’t know. I will… I will just go. Sorry.”

She left with a loud crack before Severus could say anything. Shortly after, he disappeared as well.

Once he arrived at Hogwarts and went to his chambers, he couldn’t sleep. As Tonks said, he was, indeed, spooked. More than that, he was reflecting upon the things she asked. He had no one to sleep with him if need be. His parents were dead.

Clearly, he did not have a wife.

It would be nice to have someone to come home to, to be nice to him and squeeze his damn arm if he was feeling bad. It wouldn’t be Lily, of course, however it was very puerile of him to think his feelings for Lily would last forever. He was nearing his forties, and the last memories he had with her were when they both were fifteen.

Sometimes he would look over them in the pensieve, just to see her face and hear her voice, but all he saw was a child. It had been over a year since the last time he did that or looked over the picture he had of her.

Not that he could fall in love again and have an actual wife, being a double agent and all, but… It was a more tangible daydream than pining over a ghost, who had been a ghost to him even before the actual person was even dead.


	4. Chapter 4

Tonks was summoned to the Grimmauld Place again, to help the Weasley kids clean and just to keep watch in case something else happened with anyone else. She wondered if people could see how guilty she felt over the whole mess.

“So you went to his place.” said Sirius from the doorstep, arms cross, making her jump in surprise as she was cleaning a piece of floor with an inch thick layer of dust.

She didn’t tell him she went to Snape’s house. How did he know?

“I…”

“Mr. Weasley told me you went there to check it out and put wards. Very smart of you to do that. Was there anything?”

Tonks breathed out, in relief.

“No, there was not. And, listen, I said I’d keep my eyes peeled, but don’t expect me to come up with anything, anytime soon. First and foremost, Snape could just be on our side. We can’t assume he’s a Death Eater because he’s unpleasant.” she said. “And there was nothing in his house, anyway. Dumbledore knows what he’s doing. Snape is a teacher at Hogwarts, Sirius, besides being on the Order.”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Dumbledore can’t know everything. I’m not sure you’ve noticed, but that git is smart.”

“If he is hiding something from Dumbledore, I sincerely doubt I will find it, but…”

“You’ll try.”

“I’ll try, of course. Don’t worry.”

“I’ll leave you to it now.” Sirius said before fluttering off, satisfied with the promise.

He could have stayed and helped, however he was too busy being miserable in his room to participate in cleaning his own property. Tonks shook her head and went right back to her work.

She was happy to help, _and_ get fed by Mrs. Weasley.

And then, later that day, all hell breaks loose.

Tonks was cleaning something with Hermione and Ginny, up the stairs, when she heard people coming in. Tons of people, except there was no scheduled meeting that she knew of.

“Stay up here, girls. I’ll go check what happened.” she told them before trotting down the stairs to find a complete ruckus on the dinning room.

Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen, however Snape was there, by the outskirts, shaking his head. Considering that everyone else had their mouths busy, Tonks went to speak to him.

“Something happened again? Are you alright?”

“Something did happen. Not to me.” he replied. “Potter and his muggle cousin were attacked by a dementor in the muggle neighborhood where they live. Dumbledore is currently at the Ministry, trying to gather more information, and I was sent here to deliver the news and gather people in case there is another attempt.”

“Oh _shit_.” Tonks said, covering her open mouth with her hand.

That had not been her doing.

“He is not my favorite student.” Snape said after a moment of silence. “Still, I find worrisome that dementors are running around in the muggle world attacking youth. And this particular youth, after what happened to my house.”

“You’re right. The two incidents are connected, obviously. So what now?”

“Dumbledore has advised we stay here and stand by until he comes with further instructions.”

Tonks nodded and turned to the mess of people discussing their theories. She was a bit of an outcast in the Order, quite like Snape. She was the youngest member, and didn’t know any others personally except Moody — who was her mentor, not her friend — and Shacklebolt, who was a bit too much of a social butterfly to pay attention to _her_.

Besides, she was feeling even guiltier about the break-in. A dementor attacking Harry was serious enough; paired together with her little prank, it took an even larger dimension. Snape was decidedly pale. Pal _er_.

Tonks thought no one could be that white until she saw him.

“Do you want water, juice, anything? Or do you want to stand around here in this noisy room?”

He glanced at her for a moment, indecisive. The promise of peace and quiet tipped him over:

“I would rather enjoy some silence, indeed.”

“Okay. I will be right back.”

Tonks went into the kitchen to fetch a bottle of pumpkin juice and two goblets before returning to the kitchen and nodding so Snape would follow her to a place where they sit down to wait. No one was paying attention to them.

Well, except Sirius, who discreetly nodded to her.

Tonks comfortably plopped into an armchair of the living room and opened the bottle of pumpkin juice with her teeth, spitting the lid aside, forgetting for a moment it was Snape the one she was entertaining.

He had a brow raised at her.

“What?” she said, pouring him a goblet. “There are no bottle openers in missions. Here. You look like you’re about to pass out. Did you get any sleep?”

“Enough sleep.” he said, and after a long, drawn-out silence, he added: “Did you?”

Tonks shrugged. In the outside, she was nonchalant. In the inside, she was screaming over the fact she was holding an amiable conversation with Snape and he wanted to know how her night was.

She started fussing over him because she felt guilty; she didn’t think he would respond positively to it and stop being such a prick.

 “Like a baby. I’m a single woman living alone, Snape. If I were to let fear of intruders preventing me from a good night of sleep, I would never shut my eyes.”

Sleep evaded her all night, in fact. Heavy conscience did stop her from resting as penitence for scaring the crap out of Snape and the Order.

“Fair enough.”

“Not that if I weren’t single, it would be any safer. Hard to find a guy who can protect me better than I already do.” Tonks babbled. “Probably the reason why I’m single. If I was a man, and I had a girlfriend who could open bottles with her teeth, I’d be proud and thankful I could save money on bottle openers. I wouldn’t be running to the hills.”

Snape’s brow was almost joining his hairline.

“I talk when I’m nervous. Sorry.”

“Must be why I never had a single moment of silence when you were in class.”

“Yes, that’s… Pretty much it.”

“It’s distracting.” he said. “But I suppose… Distractions have their moment. I’m not certain when Dumbledore will give us the honor of his presence.”

Oh. Okay. That was a go-ahead for her to keep talking.

Now that she had the change to speak to someone who was a bit older, she asked:

“Was it like this in the First War? Did dementors attack people in muggle neighborhoods?”

Snape shifted on his spot.

“Not that I recall. This time around he is being covert, I believe.”

“You-Know-Who’s being _covert_?”

“He is. He doesn’t know who to trust, anymore. A dementor and a break-in are not a raid of Death Eaters with the Dark Mark looming over our heads.”

Tonks sunk deeper into her armchair.

“I don’t remember that much of the First War. I was just a kid. My parents protected me as much as they could from the news, so I don’t really… Remember anything. I was around ten or so when You-Know-Who vanished. When I learned of the war, it was already over.”

 “You will remember this one.”

“Aaaw, Snape.” Tonks cooed. “Sweet of you to imply I will survive it.”

He tipped his goblet to her, with a minute smirk.

The front door flung open, and Dumbledore walked inside.

“Severus. Tonks.”

“Headmaster.” Snape said, putting his goblet away and stood up.

“Did you find anything?”

“I’m afraid not. Regardless, there are measures to be taken. Quite urgently, I’m afraid. I assume the rest of the Order is in the dining room.”

Tonks nodded, and Dumbledore walked away. She went to follow him, with Snape trailing off behind her.

Being in his presence didn’t feel as bad as it did before. In fact, it didn’t feel bad at all.


	5. Chapter 5

“Nothing of consequence happened.” Dumbledore announced. “Though I fear it is for the best to bring the boy over for the rest of the summer, as we prepare for his hearing at the Ministry.”

“Won’t it be dangerous?” asked Hestia Jones.

“It will. I will assign a few members of the Order to transport him from his house to our hideout, by broomstick. Mad-Eye Moody, Kingsley, Hestia, of course… Dedalus, Remus…” His eyes scanned the crowd in the room. “Elphias, Emmeline, Sturgis… And, ah, how could I forget, Tonks.”

Tonks stepped back in surprise and bumped against Severus.

“What about me?” Black asked loudly in the far side of the room. “I still can fly a broomstick, I think.”

Severus rolled his eyes as Black had to be lectured for the fiftieth time about not being able to leave Grimmauld Place.

“Well, that was a surprise.” Tonks commented to herself.

“Aren’t you one of the few Aurors in the Order?” Severus said.

He was almost whispering in her ear, as it were. She just didn’t seem to mind they were standing close. And Severus, against his better judgement, didn’t mind, either. His life for the past several years consisted of either intentionally antagonizing people or sucking up to them.

It was unclear what prompted him into dropping his act somewhat for Tonks. Perhaps he was tired, or he longed to feel like a regular human being who wasn’t avoided by everyone, even if just for a couple of moments.

Tonks wasn’t at all unpleasant, anyway.

“I’m surprised to see that being acknowledged. I’ve just arrived, and I’m trusted with a mission that has _Harry Potter_ in it!”

 Ah.

She hadn’t met him yet.

“There is nothing about Potter to be impressed by, trust me.”

Tonks arched a brow at him, a half-smirk curling one of the corners of her mouth upwards.

“You’d say that about a student of yours. I guess I’ll have to see for myself in a few moments.”

“You have a point.”

Severus thought he’d enjoy the attention Black was drawing to himself and slip out of the room, as to not be present to listen in to further details.

“You leaving?”

“There is nothing left for me to do.”

“You should stay at Hogwarts for the time being, you know. Just to be safe. Take care, Snape.”

“You too…” He hesitated for a moment. “ _Tonks_.”

“See? Not that hard to be a little nice.” she retorted and bumped her shoulder to his arm amiably before clearing out his path to the exit. “See you around.”

Severus slipped away from Grimmauld Place with his heart unsettled, become acutely aware of how lonely his life had been. He liked being alone, immersed in his interests: not having a choice, however, was something he disliked.

And he wouldn’t have realized the extent of his own loneliness if Tonks didn’t make him remember how it was like to have friendly company.  

 _Tonks_ , out of all people. What was it about her?

Nevertheless, it didn’t take long for their paths to cross again. She was there the next time Severus had to be at Grimmauld Place to relay some information for the Weasleys and some others, late in the evening. She showed up from the kitchen with a plate of spaghetti and stood around, in pajamas, listening in.

Once that impromptu meeting was over, Severus couldn’t help himself over pestering her.

“Have you moved in for good?”

“Mrs. Weasley is bribing me to work extra hours in the cleaning of this place with food. And, you know, I can’t cook. I must have dropped ten pounds since I moved out of my parents’ house. I didn’t _have_ ten pounds to drop in the first place.” she said, at ease. “And she knows spaghetti is my favorite food, so… By the way, did I miss anything important?”

Severus shook his head in negative.

“Dumbledore has me working extra hours as his message courier. Without the bribing.”

The commentary made Tonks laugh.  

“I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes, then. At least I get food out the deal.”  

The door of the dining room flung open. The Weasley girl, alongside with Granger, appeared, to then freeze mid-step.

“Hey there, girls.” Tonks said, cheerful. “You can pass, we’re not talking about anything important.”

“O-okay then.” said the Weasley girl.

Both girls scurried away to the kitchen, not making eye contact with Severus, who had his eyes set on Tonks still. Tonks’ lips, as she sucked on her sauce-stained thumb and returned his gaze to him.

“At least things have been calm for the past couple of days. First, your house is broken into, then Harry is attacked by a dementor… I was seriously thinking we’d be attacked when we were flying him over here.”

“There were no incidents?”

Tonks took a bite out of her meal.

“None. I mean, you did say You-Know-Who’s trying to be _covert_. Nothing _covert_ about attacking a group of seven wizards.”

Severus wanted to say more, but he had nothing to say. Besides…

What was he doing speaking to Tonks, anyway? She was loud, crass and clumsy.

“I won’t keep you from having dinner any longer.” he announced.

“You know what? You should come to have dinner with us sometime. Or at least come by to chat, I don’t know.” she replied. “I don’t really talk much to everyone else. Everyone is either way older or way younger than me in here. I get along better with the _kids_ , for Merlin’s sake. And they make me feel old.”

“I must fit into the way older category.”

“At least we’ve known each other from before?” Tonks shrugged. Weasley and Granger scurried by again, this time with their own plates of food. “At any rate, you can come by anytime. On my behalf, anyway.”

“I… Will keep that in mind.”

“So if you’re leaving, can you open the door for me?”

“Sure.”

When she brushed past him on her way out and he caught a whiff of her shampoo and smell of soap, he had to ask himself:

Why _her_?

 


	6. Chapter 6

“What were you talking with _Snape_?” Ginny asked, subtle as an elephant, once Tonks returned to the room they shared with Hermione, who was sitting at a corner, curled with her food and a book.

“I don’t know. Stuff? We were just chatting, really.”

Hermione was pretending to read, but she had to rise an eyebrow at that. Tonks settled herself in her bed, realizing how close she had gotten to him in a matter of days.

Ginny shuddered.

“He gets on my nerves.”

“Well, I’m not his student anymore. Besides, I helped him out with the break-in. The least he could do was be civil to me, don’t you think?”

“How is his house like?” Ginny asked in a conspiratory whisper.

“Not an underground crypt, surprisingly. By the way, do kids these days still call him Count Snape? It was his nickname back in the day.”

“Not that I’ve heard of, though I might just bring it back from the dead. Like Snape is.”

Tonks snorted.

“Kids are so mean. Talking to your former teachers is different when you’re an adult and no longer their students. He’s okay. _And_ I didn’t see any blood bags lying around his place. There was actual food in the fridge.”

“He’s okay.” Hermione echoed.

“Hard to believe, I know. He picked on me, too. He always calls students by their surnames, but I was always called Miss _Nymphadora_ Tonks because he knew I hated my first name. That git. Now he’s fine. He even calls me Tonks and all that.”

The more Tonks got to be around him, the more she was convinced of her theory that his role in the Order was to keep an eye out for the known Death Eaters and pureblood supremacists who might be assisting You-Know-Who; he would have the means because he dabbed in it in his youth, and came to regret it.

He was friends with Lily Potter, after all.

Now Tonks could see how _that_ came to be. She was actually looking forward to the next time he’d be around, so they could be fish out of the water together.

“I look forward to graduation, then.” Hermione said, and nothing more on the topic was said, leaving Tonks alone with her thoughts, which remained on the subject at hand.

Snape was not unpleasant at all. He was mean, but that made him fun, in a way.

Well.

Hopefully he’d warm up and be around more often. Tonks was invested in being friendly after the whole break-in fiasco, moreso now that she thought her suspicions were unjust.

“So.” asked Sirius the morning after, during breakfast. Remus was there, too. He was at Grimmauld Place almost as much as Tonks was. Certainly to keep Sirius in check. Being fed by Mrs. Weasley was a bonus. “Did you find anything? I saw you talking to him a couple of times.”

“Listen, Sirius…” Tonks said with a sigh. “I don’t have anything on him. Besides, I have a theory.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Hear me out. I think he has dabbed into pureblood supremacy and hung out with Death Eaters in his youth.”

“He did. Avery and Mulciber.” Sirius interjected.

“Right. I’m assuming his role in the Order is to use his connections to keep an eye on the Death Eaters. And I think… I think he seriously regretted it. Dumbledore trusts him a great deal…” Tonks said, recalling what he said about being a courier. “That wouldn’t be without good reason, due to his history. Yes, it’s a serious mistake to associate with Death Eaters and call your muggleborn friend a mudblood. That was a long time ago. People change. You don’t have to like him, but you have to give him a chance to change. Who else in the Order is in position to know what the Death Eaters are up to?”

Sirius barked an empty laugh, and Remus said:

“How come he always does this?”

“Does what?”

“Finds the prettiest girl in the room… And befriends her.”

The implied compliment had Tonks flustered.

“I’m not his friend.” she retorted.

“Oh, aren’t you, now?” Sirius said.

“All I’m doing is sharing my thoughts so far, from all I have learned.”

“ _My_ theory is that he is playing you like a fiddle. How do you know his house was even really broken into?”

Seeing red, Tonks said:

“Because _I_ did it?”

Sirius gasped.

“So it was you!” Then he slapped his knee and had a good, hearty laugh. “I can’t believe this. Everyone thought it had been a Death Eater!”

“Sshhhhh! Be quiet!” Tonks said.

Remus shook his head.

“How did you do it?”

“He lives in a muggle neighborhood. It’s easier to find muggle addresses, and I have… My ways. He had wards on his door, but it was to keep muggles away, I think. It wasn’t hard to undo them.”

She wasn’t about to explain she found him in the phonebook after precisely five minutes of searching.

“Right. So you broke into his house, then right after it, you convinced him to let you go there again and put some more wards? Even though you knew it had not been a Death Eater?” Remus said.

“I suppose that’s how things happened. He was sincerely scared about it, and I felt guilty for scaring everyone else, too. I shouldn’t have done that.” Tonks confessed, the guilt washing her all over again.

“And you found nothing?”

“Nothing. Like I said, he might just be on our side.”

“I doubt it.” Sirius retorted. “At any rate, I underestimated you.”

Tonks could see she gained Sirius and Remus’ respect over her misdemeanor. She wasn’t sure she wanted it, though. Not over harassing Snape, who, despite being unpleasant, might not be a bad person at all.

“Well. Like I said, I’ll keep my eyes open.”

Annoyed, she went to the kitchen to leave her dishes and stormed out to the second floor to do some cleaning with the kids.


	7. Chapter 7

Severus was awfully early for the meeting. It had been a terrible idea to come in early, hoping to find Tonks. He was sitting at a corner of the room, staring at nowhere in particular while everyone else chatted amongst themselves, sometimes shooting him a nervous glance, or suspicious glare.

Black and Lupin were there, too.

Then the door opened, and Tonks came in. She searched around for a bit and flashed him a smile when their eyes met.

“I see we’re both early this time around.” she commented, standing beside him with a hand on his shoulder. “There are actual chairs. Do you mind if I sit here with you?”

“Not at all.” he replied, and against his better judgement, stood up to pull a chair for her.

“Oh, wow. Thank you.” Tonks exclaimed while she sat.

Once Snape sat down, she leaned in his direction to say:

“You know that we all used to call you Count Snape, right? You pulled the chair for me and I remembered it.”

“Students aren’t exactly discreet. For the record, no, I don’t feed on the students that fail Potions.”

Tonks shook her head, and made herself comfortable in her spot.

“Why did you choose to get a Master’s degree on Potions if you don’t like Potions? Wouldn’t it make sense for you to study Dark Arts or get into Auror training?”

Because the Dark Lord wanted him to teach Potions, not Defense Against the Dark Arts. Tonks couldn’t know that, however.

“It is substantially harder to find a Masters’ degree in Dark Arts. As for Auror training… I am more interested in the theory.”

“Right, right… Auror training is pretty hands on. For someone interested in Dark Arts out of curiosity it’s interesting, though. I mean, you have to know what you’re fighting against. And, unlike us, the people out there developing new spells and potions don’t really care for limits or who they hurt in the process, so sometimes they get places _fast_.”

There it was something about her that Severus did not consider at first… She must be knowledgeable in Dark Arts.

Severus wished he hadn’t realized that.

“So you did study Dark Arts.”

“Yeah.” Tonks shrugged. “More than most, for sure. We can’t go into situations flying blind. And sometimes we have to answer in the same token. If someone is trying to hit you with a Killing Curse, you don’t win by blowing bubbles at them. We are advised to be careful on how we apply our knowledge, of course. Mostly, we learn how to counteract in non-violent ways. It’s not our job to dispense punishment. We have to catch the bad guys and bring them to Wizengamot, and that is all.”

Severus nodded. That was a side of Tonks he wasn’t expecting — even though he should have.

“Why did you decide to become an Auror?”

It wasn’t something to be decided on a whim, without forethought. Mostly because of the grades it required.

“Because…” Tonks sighed. “I wanted to do some good to the world. And Defense Against the Dark Arts was my favorite subject, so… I was assuming the Ministry would stay on the right side of the tracks, though. I guess not.”

Severus nodded, transfixed, and at the same time appalled with himself for it.

“It’s not too late for the Ministry to see what’s happening.”

“I doubt it. I’ve been trying to get a rise out of my colleagues, to no avail. They don’t think You-Know-Who could be back. Besides, no one listens to me about anything.” Tonks complained, then met his eyes. “Well, except for you, maybe.”

“It’s a surprise for us both.” he remarked.

Tonks gasped in pretend offense.

“And here I was thinking you were making progress.” she said, amused, poking him in the shoulder for emphasis.

“There have been some setbacks, I’m afraid.”

He wasn’t one to make that many _jokes_ , however Tonks was easy to entertain, and the more he made her laugh, the more at ease she became. Just once, _just this once_ , Severus wanted someone to be comfortable with him. He was starved of attention and care.

Tonks shook her head and bit her lip when she looked at him again.

“You’re impossible. But, that’s fine, I already knew that.”

Then, they fell into comfortable silence. Tonks leaned back in her chair with a yawn, and then propped her head up with a hand, elbow resting against Severus’ backrest. There she stayed until Dumbledore arrived.

The meeting went on in a blur. Next thing Severus knew, it was over. He usually left before that: this time, he didn’t want to.

“Hey, before you bolt out of the door, there’s something I want to show you upstairs.” Tonks said to him.

“…What?”

“You dig books, right?”

Severus didn’t know if he felt comfortable venturing deeper into what was Black’s residence, however Tonks seemed excited about whatever she found. Besides, dinner would have everyone else’s undivided attention…

“Yes, I _dig_ books.”

“Okay, come on.”

Tonks stood up and Severus followed suit. They were almost at the door when Mrs. Weasley called:

“Tonks, would you please get the kids to come down to eat?”

“Yeah, sure!” she replied.

Mrs. Weasley saw Severus was following Tonks and a quizzical look took over her face.

People were going to comment, definitely. This wasn’t like the last time Severus had a friend of the opposite gender when everyone assumed nothing was going on, because they were kids.

Which, well, there wasn’t. In hindsight, Lily had noticed his feelings for her and was not touching the subject to avoid rejecting him properly. He, too, was avoiding that by not being clear.

The children were all waiting on the stairs and froze when Severus appeared on Tonks’ trail.

“The meeting is over, you can go have dinner now.” she said. “I’ll be there in a bit.”

They all rushed away, staring at Severus and Tonks with intrigued, curious and threatening looks as they passed by, Potter more than any other. As if Severus was going to hurt Tonks.

Oblivious, she shrugged and went to trot up the stairs, nonchalant.

She was a mystery.

Although it rather seemed like she didn’t think anything out of the ordinary was happening, if she was so casual about being seen slipping out of meetings with him alone. Severus was happy to be a friend or even just friendly. He had not quite accepted he had grown to desire her.

She was not what he had in mind when he thought of falling in love again.

It was a very decent library, unfortunately taken over by dust and mold. Tonks reached out for a book that was atop of the desk and waved it in front of Severus.

“This book right here? It’s about horcruxes! And it was right here on top of the desk as if it was nothing.”

Books about horcruxes were hard to find. No one could write a detailed manual on how to create one without confessing murder. Severus flipped the pages with great care and saw the book was written in an old-fashioned English.

Interesting, but it was Black’s. He set it back on the desk and approached Tonks.

“I appreciate that you thought of me.” he said.

“I know you and Sirius don’t like each other and all that… Though I thought you’d like to at least take a look.” Tonks replied, apologetically, putting her hands in her pockets with a shrug. “It’s a shame this will all be lost because Sirius doesn’t care about these books. I’ll see if I get him to give me those. Not sure where I’ll be putting all of them or how I’ll clean it all but… I’ll figure it out.”

“I hope so.”

“And I’ll borrow once I have them.” she added in a whisper, with an eyebrow wiggle.

Severus got closer to her as if pulled by a magnetic force.

“Did you know I’m technically a Black?”

Tonks softly rested her hand against his arm, and his hands went to her waist as if he had done it a million tone times before.

“Are you?”

“Yeah. Sirius and I are actually cousins. Though I haven’t seen much of him when I was a kid, and then he spent twelve years in Azkaban. My mom is his aunt, and she got disowned for not giving a damn about pureblood supremacy, then she married a muggle, who so happens to be my dad. They’ve been together for thirty years or something crazy like that.”

“Tonks.” Severus said, cupping one of her cheeks. She had both hands on him now, tugging on the fabric of his robes, pulling him closer.

“What?”

“Do me a favor and shut up.”

He leaned forward to kiss her, and their lips had barely touched when someone knocked on the door.


	8. Chapter 8

“Hi, Mrs. Weasley!” Tonks said, her voice in an overtly chirpy tone as Snape let go of her and cleared his throat. “I was just… Showing the library to Snape.”

Mrs. Weasley had her eyes open wide, mouth hanging open as she tried to come up with anything to say.

Snape turned on his heels and added:

“She’ll be downstairs soon. We are nearly finished here.”

“Oh. Alright. I… I’m sorry for interrupting.” she replied, her voice weak, and slammed the door shut.

Once they were left alone again, Tonks took a deep breath. What was she thinking?

 _Snape_? Why?

How come she did not notice what was going on until it hit her square in the face? She always had been a bit oblivious to these things, even when it came to her own feelings. Being into Snape was outrageous enough. Him being into her back was…

Absolutely _bonkers_.

He studied her, a healthy distance between them now. The moment was gone.

“I should be going.”

“I’m almost considering not showing up for dinner too. This is going to be _awkward_.” Tonks said. “But you already said I was going downstairs, so I guess there’s no way out of it for me. I… I’ll show you out.”

It was a silent way down to the first floor. Once they arrived at the front door, Tonks said:

“So… The front door’s over there.”

She didn’t know what to do with her hands and face, what to say. Her thoughts and feelings were scrambled all over the place. That whole situation was a mess. On the other hand…

It didn’t happen out of nowhere. They were getting along great and his company was easygoing and entertaining. Surprisingly enough, they had some things in common. Tonks looked forward to seeing him, and thought of him while he was gone.

Was it not a good starting place?

For that moment, Tonks decided to settle for the middle and wrapped her arms around his shoulders to land a kiss on his cheek. Juvenile, but she wasn’t ready for an actual kiss just yet now that she had time to think about it proper.

Perhaps if Mrs. Weasley had not interrupted, the kiss would have happened. Tonks would have felt conflicted about it later, though.

Snape realized that, gladly, and returned the hug without trying to take things further.

“Will I see you again soon?” she asked.

“Of course. I suppose… We should talk. Someplace that is not here.”

Tonks nodded. With that, he wished her a pleasant evening and left.

She almost wanted him to stay so he could face the awkwardness together with her. If he did stay, though, then the situation could get out of hand. Snape’s short temper with Sirius’ irritability from staying inside without doing much wouldn’t go well.

Besides, it would be just too obvious. He never stayed for dinner. He never stayed a moment longer than it was strictly necessary.

The way to the dining room took way longer than what it would otherwise have. Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat loudly when Tonks came in, and the kids gaped at her with weird looks. Mr. Weasley kept eating, ignorant, and Sirius did too, for a moment, until Remus said:

“Is there something going on here?”

Tonks, by then, had sat down and helped herself.

“Nope. Not all.”

“Didn’t Professor Snape want to stay?” Mrs. Weasley asked, not at all tactfully.

“Why would he want to stay? It’s my house.” Sirius retorted. “I don’t want him here more than he has to be.”

“Sirius, you borrowed your house for Dumbledore to use as headquarters for the Order. He’s in the Order.”

“And he can attend the meetings. I just don’t want him eating with us.”

“But maybe someone in here does.” Mrs. Weasley replied and then shot a glance at Tonks.

“I just took him upstairs to show him the library. I thought he would like to see it, that’s all.” she spilled most of the beans before Mrs. Weasley said anything else.

“Oh, you did?”

“Yes. I’m sorry if it upset you somehow. You don’t seem to care about what’s in this house, so I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“Can we talk, Tonks? Alone?”

Merlin.

Tonks stood up and marched towards the living room, cursing herself for being so thoughtless. How could she not foresee people would think something was up? And then Mrs. Weasley saw them almost kissing…

“What’s happening between you and him, Tonks? What lies is he telling you?”

“I’m the one lying to him, Sirius. And, listen… I _like_ him, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear? I don’t think he’s a Death Eater. It’s a reasonable suspicion, but how in the world would Dumbledore not know it, if he were?”

Sirius groaned and took a couple of steps back from Tonks.

“I understand Moony now. How does he do that? Lily defended him to hell and back, too. You know what her payment was.”

“Do you always think so little of everyone? If Lily thought he was alright, and Dumbledore thinks he’s alright now, long after whatever he did to Lily, don’t you think there’s at least a tiny little chance that he is actually okay?”

Sirius just shook his head, disappointed, and turned on his heels.

“Do whatever the hell you want, I guess. You’re an adult. But don’t count on my help if it turns out he is exactly who he seems to be.” he said as he left the room.

Wiping away her tears, she stormed off Grimmauld Place, and went to her apartment. She threw herself on the couch and let the tears flow. Despite not knowing him so well, she considered Sirius her family. She didn’t want to be in bad terms with him.

At the same time, she didn’t want to step away from Snape, and resented Sirius for making her choose. It was so stupid! What if they didn’t like each other when they were classmates?

She looked about her mess of an apartment, then her gaze rested on the phone. Maybe Snape was back at his house…? Tonks dialed the numbers and waited with her heart fluttering inside her chest.

“Who is it?” Snape questioned once he picked up.

“Hey. It’s Tonks.”

“How do you even have the number of my house?”

“Phonebook.”

Tonks heard a soft “ah” over the line, then Snape said:

“I assume you are at home. Did you even have enough time to eat?”

“No, I didn’t.” Tonks sniffed. “Sirius was an asshole to me, so I left. You said we should talk. Can it be now?”

“We shouldn’t, if you’re upset then—”

“Oh, okay. You’re totally right. I am upset.”

“As I was saying…” Snape interjected, and through the tone of his voice, Tonks could tell he was rolling his eyes, or pinching the bridge of his nose. “Then we can do this at a later time. If you want to come over, I was just about to start making dinner.”

Tonks froze for a moment.  

“Come over like… Like a date?”

“Come over as in I thoughtlessly put you in a terrible spot and I am attempting to make up for it by at least making sure you don’t starve. You said you don’t cook.”

Food always did get to Tonks.

“Well, okay. I’m down. Be there in five.”


	9. Chapter 9

Severus knew he continued to be reckless, though it was impossible for him to bring himself to a halt. It wasn’t written anywhere that he _couldn’t_ get close to anyone and _couldn’t_ reveal anything.

Sure it was the safest option, however his sanity had been chipping away for the past couple of decades. He couldn’t do anything if he was being crushed under the weight of his loneliness.

After almost kissing Tonks, he felt as if he was going to burst if he let her get away. Sure, she could still reject him — it was, in fact, likely. He saw the conflict in her eyes. At the very least, he wanted to be in good terms.

If things escalated from there, then… He would have to stop and think. It wasn’t as if Tonks was a delicate little flower who could be easily captured by a Death Eater, so simply telling her truth was not off the books if it came to that.

Her eyes were a bit red, and her face was puffy when she appeared at the door.

“Yes, I was crying.” she said, stepping inside and taking off her bright yellow jacket, that somehow matched the bubblegum pink short hair. “Sirius is an asshole, like I said.”

“I will be forced to agree.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, though.” she quipped. “So… What are you making as an apology dish?”

Severus was not that much of a fan of pasta, however that seemed like a fitting choice for the situation. He led her to the kitchen by touching her back and guiding her.

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

Tonks spotted the pot with boiling water in the stove and said:

“Wow, this is touching. You do know how to please a girl.”

She mostly sat in the counter and did nothing useful besides small talk as Severus cooked. Once dinner was all done, they ended up on the couch, Tonks with her plate on her lap, feet propped up on Severus’ lap, her calves serving as a table for him to eat.

Her socks were colorful and mismatched, which seemed to be a theme with Tonks’ wardrobe.

“Being a metamorphmagus is like flexing a muscle, you know?”

“And isn’t it tiring to keep your hair pink the whole time?”

“Not really. This is how I feel the most comfortable, so when I relax completely, my hair just stays this way. Sometimes it’s longer, shorter, a different color… Depends on the mood. I like colorful things, what can I say?” Then she took a good look at him, clad all in black. “Well, most of the times anyway.”

Severus had to smirk at the flirtatious acknowledgment.

“Did I make you uncomfortable before?”  

“Not entirely. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s just unexpected. The last time I thought of you before meeting you again was that I was glad to be over with Potions and not having to see you ever again. So this is… A bit weird. You know, a tiny little bit strange.”

“I’m not in a rush.”

Mostly because he was trying to decide what he was going to do. He could conceal the Dark Mark for two or three hours at a time, so he could go with that, whenever needed, though he didn’t want to lie to Tonks and create a problem later if his cover fell.

He didn’t want to lie, period. It would change Tonks’ opinion about him: and he would never mislead her into doing anything by hiding the truth. He doubted she’d want to have sex with a Death Eater, for one.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“What is it?”

“Are you divorced or something?”

“What even makes you think I am?”

“I’m just wondering because you acted a bit strange when I asked, and most people are married by your age. If I didn’t know you as I do know I’d think it’s obvious you never married, but you’re okay, so what happened?”

There was that, too. He’d have to tell her about Lily.

Eventually.

At least Tonks thought he was _okay_.

“I didn’t marry. I started teaching at a boarding school at 21. The opportunity didn’t present itself, and I didn’t care enough to look for it.”

“Damn, you started teaching when you were 21? You were almost the age of the older students.”

Perhaps it was unwise to keep going about that subject. Severus had in his mind he was going to tell her most of the truth — however it couldn’t become common practice to spill everything about himself to people he met a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to wait a little, make sure something was going to happen between them first.

He wanted to.

Ah, how dearly he wanted to.

“They noticed that at the time. Are you done?”

“Oh, yeah, I am.”

Severus had to go to the kitchen to leave the dishes and cool off a little from all of Tonks’ gentle touch and genuine interest on his person, which was riling him up more than anything else ever had.

When he returned to the living room, Tonks was pacing around.

“You know what’s driving me mad about your place?”

“No idea.”

“Where are the stairs for the second story?”

“Hidden behind one of these shelves because I can’t expand any rooms without disturbing the other muggles who live next door.”

“Oh. Right. Mystery solved. I was looking around and didn’t see any caskets, so I was wondering where the hell you sleep.”

“ _Funny_.” Severus snarked as Tonks pulled him close by the wrists and wrapped his arms around her waist.

Somewhat hesitant, he obliged. Looking up to him, she said:

“I know you said this isn’t a date, but it kind of is, and it’s kind of the nicest one I ever had.”

Unable to step away, he kissed her softly on the lips.

He was completely done for.

“What kind of people have you been dating?”

“I’ve been asking myself this very question.” Tonks replied, and kissed him back, deepening the kiss, pulling him even closer than what he already was.

Severus pinned her against one of the shelves, his mouth trailing to her neck, his fingertips digging into the soft flesh of her back. It was when she grinded against him with a moan that a sliver of self-control returned.

“Perhaps we shouldn’t rush it.” he said, distancing himself some.

Doing so was almost painful, however he didn’t want to give her the false certainty that he _wasn’t_ a Death Eater. It was too early to say anything.

“I hate to say it, but you’re right.” she panted in response. “I… Before I ruin my relationship with part of my family, I should at least be certain about it.”

“Precisely. As I’ve said before, I’m not in a rush. You can take your time.”

As Severus wanted to take his time, despite having already made his decision. He _was_ going to tell her, sooner or later.

He could only hope it wouldn’t end things for good.


	10. Chapter 10

“The Ministry is just driving me mad, I swear to Merlin.” Tonks exclaimed, as loud as she thought wise, considering she was speaking to Snape at a corner of Grimmauld Place’s living room before Dumbledore showed up to relay the results of Harry’s hearing at Wizengamot. “I never had less work to do in my entire life. Meanwhile, a dementor attacked two minors, one of which is a muggle. No one is investigating why that happened.”

“No one wants to find out. By now, I assume the Dark Lord has his fingers deeper into the Ministry than we know. The others who aren’t under his control must be too afraid to shed a light on the issue and trigger a war again, like the first one. The memories and the horrors are still too fresh in people’s minds.”

Tonks blinked and looked away for a moment, arms crossed in front of her chest. Snape spoke with too much propriety about what the _Dark Lord_ — not You-Know-Who, not Voldemort — was doing and scheming. She already figured it was his job, even though he said nothing yet, but… He just knew too much.

It bothered her at times. She didn’t doubt Snape was on their side: the more she got to know him, the more she realized how much he knew of Dumbledore’s plans, too, more than anyone could ever guess, and if he wasn’t on their side, the Order would have been dead and gone before it even started.

Still, he didn’t speak much of his past. He never once mentioned Lily, even though he had talked about his childhood briefly once.

Tonks was afraid of opening that can of worms and not be prepared for what she would find. She wasn’t sure she wanted to. Maybe she wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way again.

“Well, at least I’m here. Doing _something_ , if no one else in the Ministry will.”

Snape rubbed her arms and kissed the top of her head, before pulling her to a brief hug.

“It all has just begun, Tonks. Unfortunately, I’m afraid you will have plenty opportunities to take action.”

“I think so too.”

Remus arrived and politely greeted them before shooting to the living room, his gaze resting a moment too long on Tonks’ eyes. A silent warning. A plea.

 _Don’t do this_.

Snape realized it because he rolled his eyes and let out a small groan once Remus was gone.

“I know you were classmates.” Tonks said, apropos of nothing. “Where did all this animosity come from? You’re all adults now. It’s been almost twenty years since then.”

“Who told you we were classmates?” Snape asked in reply, the slightest hint of terror behind his tone and his eyes.

Whatever he was not telling, he thought it was too soon to discuss it. Tonks didn’t fault him — they haven’t been around each other for very long. And Tonks was an Auror, for Merlin’s sake. He probably thought it was unwise to let her know in which circles he ran.

“Sirius.”

Snape took a deep breath.

“Lupin’s problem with me has little to do with our school years.” he said. “He thinks I got him unjustly sacked.”

“…What?”

“He taught Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts a couple of years ago, the term when Black escaped from Azkaban and haunted the castle in search for Potter. I was responsible of brewing wolfsbane, so he could retain consciousness during the full moon and stay in his room, without putting students in danger. One night, he _forgot_ to take it. Dumbledore wouldn’t do anything about the fact he could have killed a student with his carelessness and I… Revealed his status as a werewolf, which forced Dumbledore to sack him.”

Tonks frowned.

“Excuse me? You told people Remus is a werewolf?”

“I have.” Snape replied, unapologetic. “Dumbledore is too indulgent. This is not even the first time Lupin has put students in danger. I will say that the first time around was not entirely his own fault, however how can one simply forget to take a potion that will make sure no one dies or gets turned into a werewolf? Especially when I made sure to remember him every full moon?”

Tonks shook her head, unsure of what to think.

“Can we discuss this later?” he requested.

“Alright.”

He then attempted to reach out, and his hand dropped before touching her.

Tonks paid attention to the meeting as if her life depended on it; it did help Snape was distant, cold for that whole time, way more like the teacher she always knew. In a way, it was good. Rubbing on people’s faces they were in cahoots with each other wasn’t wise, even though everyone already knew.

She could feel it in the more distant treatment she got from Moody, the kids and Sirius. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were the only ones who treated her the same — not surprisingly, since they were the ones who spoke to Snape the most.

It would have been nice to be friends with all of them. She didn’t enjoy the subtle exclusion, however she also didn’t think she’d like to be close to people so unwilling to give people a second chance. Of course, Snape would never be friends with others in the Order; if they at least didn’t _shun_ him.

 She saw it for herself that he tried. He didn’t expect people to warm up to him out of nowhere… She certainly didn’t. Recalling their first few interactions a couple of weeks back, nothing would have ever happened between them if he hadn’t been nice to her first, showing her that there was more to him than the eye could meet at a first glance.

Her guilt over breaking into his place could only get so far…

That night, Tonks decided to take him to her apartment.

“I only have beer, actually, if you want to drink anything.” she said out loud, so her voice carried from the kitchen to the living room. It wasn’t too far off, anyway. The place was tiny.  

“I’m fine.”

“Well, _I_ need a beer.” Tonks said to herself, grabbing a bottle and popping it open with her teeth before spitting the lid on the trash can and walking over to where Snape waited her, sat uneasy on her couch. “So. What the hell happened with you and Remus?”

“In only a few words, I was tricked into meeting him in a full moon night by Black. He only didn’t end up in Azkaban a few years earlier than he did because Potter had more than two functioning brain cells. The night Lupin forgot to take the Wolfsbane, I met him. He could have hurt Potter, Weasley and Granger.”

“You know, in my school times, kids didn’t try to kill other kids.” Tonks commented, pacing around. “What did Dumbledore do?”

“Nothing. I was told to not tell anyone and that was it.”

“You still shouldn’t have told people Remus is a werewolf, you know? Two wrongs don’t make a right. There could be another way to solve the issue that didn’t involve that.”

“I couldn’t think of anything.” Snape replied, his face even. “And I was not interested in babysitting him because he could not remember to take a bloody potion. It _is_ unfortunate his status as a werewolf makes it difficult for him to find employment. However, if given the opportunity, he should mind to do his best. I know very well how dangerous an uncontrolled werewolf can be.”

“I…” Tonks hesitated. “You know what? Whatever. I’m not going to think about this too much. I don’t agree with what you did to Remus, at all, but… He’s not right. And Dumbledore is not right, either. And Sirius… He never told me he almost got you killed.”

“He thought it was a harmless prank. Still does think that.”

“And Harry’s dad?”

“It was not my life he was trying to save.”

Tonks’ thoughts returned to Lily once more. What did _she_ think of it all?

“And Harry’s mom?” Snape blanched, and his breath paused for a moment. “Okay, I… I know you were friends, alright? I didn’t want to say anything because I can tell you don’t want to share what happened, but… You never mention her. If Sirius hadn’t told me that, I would never even know.”

“What… What Black told you?” he asked, his voice a thin thread.

Tonks sighed.

“I know you called her a mudblood. You were friends. Childhood friends. I’ve known that for some time now. If you don’t want to talk to me about it, that’s fine. I get that it must be a hard topic for you now that you must be no longer on board with calling people mudbloods left and right.”

Snape’s fingers gripped the armrest of the couch. He was almost paralyzed in panic.

“What else do you know?”

“Nothing. Snape, don’t worry. I… Listen, I know you probably did things you regret in your past. I’m almost certain what you do for the Order is to keep an eye on the Death Eaters for us. I’m not stupid. I know all of this and I’m still here. I just don’t talk about it because I know you’re not ready to branch on the subject. I assume it’s painful and unpleasant, to say the least.”

“Since when do you know?”

“Before the break-in. I… Snape, you’re going to hate me for this…” Tonks said, sitting beside him. “But I assume I should say it now. I was the one who broke into your place.”

His pitch black eyes set upon her, an unreadable mixture of emotions passing through them.

“I don’t know. I just thought there must be reason why you are in the Order. And then Sirius told me those things, and I… I wanted to make sure. I’m an Auror. I catch bad guys.”

“And what do you think? Am I a Death Eater or not?” Snape replied.

He was strangely calm. Knowing his short temper, Tonks almost thought things would be over between them. He was sitting stiff, shoulders tense. Snape would only not be angry at her for lying about the break-in if he was hiding something bigger than that.

Tonks never saw him with his sleeves rolled. They were two adults who started dating recently, and she never saw him in any state other than fully dressed, which was frustrating. Her right hand might as well develop tendinitis.  

Besides, if he was a Death Eater, her theory about him would still be correct. She was right about him all along. She just didn’t know how much, it seemed.

“You’re a Death Eater. And, I assume, the Order’s own double agent.”

Despite the tension in the air, Snape smirked.

“You must forgive me for underestimating you. Here I was thinking you wouldn’t find out unless I told you.”


End file.
